Following the crescendo of news-flatulence focussed on the incoming royal birth, Universal Exports have bought a 'large number' of DVD box sets, left via Grey Havens then and resentfully closed the door on their nuclear shelter in Valinor.
Following a unanimous ballot UE agreed to isolate themselves deep inside the earth. The UE leadership agreed that television, internet traffic and most media will be effectively redundant for the next eighteen months as the unelected future head of the country drops out of a Royal Clunge.
Our news correspondent, Rusty Arsebottom, was able to garner the following interview moments before they left.
Speaking to Arsebottom UE's Sutcliffe said:
In what is a deep irony, I am one of the few paintballers with
with little to no anger management problems and moderate pacifistic tendencies. I actually don't want to
kill people. However, if I have to see Huw Edwards and Kirsty Wark use the word 'glowing' more than once
a month I am not responsible for my actions.
And Piers Morgan can just fuck off, come back, and then fuck off again.
So, I'm a rational thinker: I've blocked all the news websites on my internet, disconnected the Sky Box
and said my goodbyes to my grandmother. I'll miss the football, although being a Sheffield United fan
now's as good a time as any to avoid results for a couple of years.
While UE have taken a more drastic method than most, it's obviously not an uncommon theme. Amazon have reported huge spikes in series like The Sopranos and The Wire. As the basic rules of supply and demand started to take effect people took the law into their own hands. There are unconfirmed reports making their way in regarding three men in Rhyl ram raiding HMV with a forklift truck simply to secure the last box set of the shit unlulzfest Keeping Up Appearances.
UE predicts that at the current rate, people may even turn to buying books to keep themselves occupied.
I've had my 56Mb internet connection absolutely rinsing the usual torrent sites in an
attempt to ensure I have enough content. I have over 400Tb of data storage and I'm trying to fill it
before any flesh drops out of that well-bred flange. To be honest I'm surprised my DSL hasn't literally
caught on fire.
At that point in the interview Sutcliffe lost focus, seeing that his connection had dropped below 54Mb. After 3 minutes of tired googling he started to download Season 19 of Last of the Summer Wine with a beaten expression and a fearful look in his eyes.
I remember in history, when studying the cold war they said people would envy the dead. I thought that was
This is real, and this fact means that humanity must suffer.