UE to launch economy paintball event

Close combat weapons

In an attempt to live happily during the current inexorable capitalist decline, UE will run an event in the style of Tesco value and Ryan Air.

However, despite apparent socialist ideals, this has been widely panned as a cynical ploy to fleece the proletariat. UE plans to have a cheap ticket price, yet almost all other items, including those classified as basic human rights, are to be priced high enough to make even the most ardent banker inhale sharply. For example, air will be de-oxygenated with oxygen top-ups chargeable at £8 per breath.

Borrowing standard techniques from Ryan Air, UE terms and conditions further elaborate the proposed rinsing:

  • The event will be advertised as being held in Cambridge when in fact the event is 30 miles away in Royston
  • Tickets will be only £1.50
  • Equipment rental is £80. Per paintball fired.
  • There is a charge for using your own equipment (including markers)
  • The above charge is applicable to each item brought onto site
  • Correction. The above charge is applicable for each PART of each item brought onto site (cocking arm, valve etc.)
  • The recommended capacity of the event is 300, however you will not be allowed to sit bringing the capacity up to 30000.
  • You will have you use event only paint, Tesco value paintballs which in fact are just mouldy grapes.
  • Due to the unique way the event is funded it will be £100 for 2000 grapes. Grapes have to be pre-ordered as they have to be grown off site.
  • There is a £400 delivery charge on all paintball orders

Smoke grenades will actually be red peppers, however these are only effective if you rub them directly into someone's eye. Standard safety rules apply, so these will only be legal or even usable in the safe zone.

Car parking will be £30 per person, toilets are £10 to smell, and £30 to use. Anyone found pissing against a tree will be fined and additional booking fee of £50 per litre.

During the game the loud speaker unit will remind you every 8 seconds you to buy 'charity' scratch cards. These cards have an infinitesimally small chance of winning. 0.5% of profit will go to a designated charity (currently 'Big Dave's beer fund').

However, it's not all a rip off. The usual paintball standards apply:

  • You must print off your own disclaimer using a 3d printer.
  • If you cannot gain access to a 3d ticket, we will need to print you a ticket onsite
  • At the event we will charge you £60 to print a new (2D paper) copy of what we have on our screen for you
  • When you hand the piece of paper back to us for us to put in the bin, you are then forced to pay an additional £5 to have the paper put in the recycle bin

In the event of cancellation on our part (including due to UE's inevitable sectioning and medical incarceration), you will be entitled to a full refund of your ticket price minus a processing fee of 2000%, so you will owe us £300.

Cross-dressing NvS cheat Andre Faria commented: It's a pack of bullshit! UE can eat a bag of dicks... I mean, even more than normal.

Don't get me wrong tho... it's still better than Ryan Air.