In the past all paintball events have been based on racism or xenophobic attitudes, and in this multicultural big society, it is vital that we show an equal level of blind hatred to all people. Historically this has lead to the general exclusion of minorities in society such as Germans & Aliens (otherwise known as Jonathon Foreigners).

Political pioneers Universal Exports felt that it was unfair that these persons where normally excluded from paintball. This new movement is now called: I don't hate you cause you're foreign, I hate you cause I hate everyone and have psychiatric problems. They have adopted the flag shown below, which is known as the Red Rods.

In their first step, Universal Exports are pleased to announce from today that all paintball events are to be based on popular Google search terms following the huge success of last week's walk-on Kate Middleton naked.

Other events already planned for the autumn include Page 3 Girl, Celebrity sex tape, and that bloke from Twilight.

UE have drafted several celebrity generals for future events such as Bruce Forsyth who will preside over the much anticipated Gangnam Style. This is loosely based on the most viewed YouTube video of all time PSY - Gangnam Style. With 1.6 Billion views it's a whopper. However, for authenticity Brucie has insisted that everyone pay in South Korean Won (₩), banning all traders and entrance fees from being taken in Sterling. This is proving frustrating to paintball players, many of whom genuinely don't understand that there are countries other than Britain, France, Germany and what they refer to as Darkieland.

Naturally the Democratic Republic of BEST KOREA are displeased, and vow to take action just as soon as they have recovered Lenny Henry from space.

While the google search terms concept has proved fruitful, other proposed events also include:

• The ghost of Michael Winner will take the lead role in the four part scenario series Cheap Car Insurance (surreal antics with tanks)
• Simon Cowell in a one man gauntlet : Simon Cowell Must Die (hunt, capture and sodomise missions)
• Just because you misspell a movie franchise, doesn't mean you wont get done for copywrite and bummed in prison (escape and evasion game).
• Army rejects pushed fully into a midlife crisis by young men with basic fitness, careers and girlfriends - none of whom give them a hard time (stunning realism game)
• That scene from the predator where they shoot the forest for about 20 minutes
• Second rate pole dancing BIVs distract middle aged mid life crisis paintballers while their bouncer boyfriends empty their cars of all valuables
• Facts v Fox Network news
• Naked oil cage match Rihanna v Beyonce (winner is last to make his excuses to just nip to the loo or get something from the car and come back looking flushed - Kleenex sponsorship under negotiation)

In between handing out forum bans, UKScenario.com claimed to have read our press release briefing with little to no detectable irony, and said the new calendar demonstrated organisers firm commitment to giving the paintballers exactly what they wanted, particularly if that was series of regular walk-ons of Simon Cowell being hit on the head with a brick.

Meanwhile Speedball is to be renamed Lesbian Shower Fun, but with no women, only gay men. In prison.

Jacko, UE's Senior Researcher of Things at Dundee University, said: The whole idea came to me one night when I was cleaning my computer keyboard after a few hours on the internet. Suddenly I realised that Google search revealed our innermost thoughts and desires. I went straight back into the office the next day and developed a scenario event based around Brazilian Fart porn. It sold out before I could even refresh the forum page.

Paintball has shifted its focus from foreign paranoia to appealing to sex crazed loners and depraved lunatics with utter filth. It makes a lot of sense. he added.

In an effort to appeal to Woman's rights & Vegetarian's needs we are developing a new game format around Project Tofu. This will require considerable research and huge resources to complete but we have sub contracted this work out to the CERN laboratories. It is felt that finding the source of the universe is easier than making tofu taste nice. They will call this the 'final solution', which is a name that they failed to see the irony of. They fail to see it because they are not xenophobic paintballers, and have probably left the country more than once. They have committed to making Tofu taste edible in the name of science by 2020, and are already deep underground experimenting with jalapenos, mustard and Nutella.