Leaked items from an Aberystwyth University paper reveal the detailed tactical approach to be used by The UK Combined Forces (UKCF) in the upcoming North Versus South; UK Versus scenario game. Huge Grant, their local student reporter spills the beans... because he has no friends, and for once people are actually listening to him:
The foreign hordes of the (JNTFor) will be lead by Andre Faria. Huge Grant has already established that he wears women's underwear, watches Sex and the City, and gets tipsy on low alcohol beer. Despite this, he has command of a crack troop of Jonathon Foreigners and looks to be a formidable opponent.
Ricktion, the UK Combined Forces (UKCF) general and UE's in-house professional troll, was carelessly caught chatting tactics while doing completely normal things for a British person. Half of the evidence was gained while in a press-up competition with Winston Churchill, Andy McNabb, Sir Francis Drake, and Henry Cavendish. Most of the remainder was then acquired while assisting Brian Cox invent physics, with some later details confirmed during an 8-way with Copehill/Amesbury BIVs.
Ricktion's secret tactics, which are for some reason being reported by his own team, are that he has secured a top-secret sponsorship from Tippmann. The team have been in working on a new paintball device for us in the UK Versus game for several months. This has culminated in an awesome paint-based doomsday device, developed in collaboration with Stephen Hawking, Stephen Fry, Steve Redgrave, and Steve Lamaq. And Steve Davis. And Becca and Lisa from Hollyoaks. During research it was also established that these two would totally get both inches.
Following this development, Tippmann have now launched the top-secret weapon: a satellite based nuclear paint device, called Brown Eye.
This bears no resemblance to Blofeld's laser satellite, or to Golden Eye. Or Icharus. Or any other bond endgame boss. Or the low orbit ion-cannon in Command and Conquer. Or the Terran nukes in Starcraft, Starcraft: Brood War, Starcraft 2: Wing of Liberty, Starcraft 2: Heart of the Swarm. You get the picture.
Ricktion carelessly mentioned the workings of his plan while helping old ladies cross the road, and accidentally let the remaining details slip while punching the face off a guy who looked a bit like a paedo. Ricktion's plan is to draw the enemy into the centre of the field in Staffordshire. He will then retreat quickly using Land Rovers (designed and made in UK), Harrier Jump Jet (designed and made in UK), Vulcan Bombers (designed and made in UK), Eurofighters (designed and made in UK) and Dysons (designed and made in UK). They will retreat to a bunker, and eat Eccles Cakes (designed and made in UK).
At that point, we will nuke Staffordshire from space, turning it into a glassy paint based desert not too dissimilar to southern Portugal. This will destroy many transport links from North to South, and meaning that the midlands will become a no go area... (I mean more than it is already). The war will end, and this will ironically prove UKIP right: destroying foreigners is the way to secure peace in the UK.
All these things considered, I find ourselves in a strong position. Not even those viking Swedish guys can
take a direct nuclear stike to the face. Well... not a sustained barrage anyway.
Andre Faria was not available for comment, as he was in La Senza buying a nice satin basque.