What North v South is actually about

'Up North' to become a single constituency, vows Jamie Powel.

Beautiful landscapes, with no undead at all

Under Jamie's proposed new constituency boundaries, Up North – which includes traditional Labour strongholds Manchester, Liverpool and Newcastle – will elect a single MP. This MP will have a parliamentary vote. That's 1 in In total, across all ballots.

Meanwhile Jamie Powel's home town of Royston would be split into 127 constituencies, 53 of them representing areas of Powel's house.

Powel said: The needs of my bathroom are very different to those of my kitchen or spare room, and I am delighted our electoral system will now recognise those differences.

We are also currently writing up proposals for anatomical constituency boundaries. My mouth needs at least 76 votes to account for pure volume of prime horsey bollocks that comes out of my mouth (even when I'm asleep). For example - you're reading this aren't you?, he continued with no hint of irony.

He added I also feel that my ballsack needs diplomatic immunity, and possibly to be raised to be a dependant territory. Like the Falklands. I'd love the SAS to sink a ship over a dispute with my balls' massive 'oil reserves'.

Northerners all share the common life goals of having sex in car parks and acquiring fried meat in cardboard buckets. There is obviously less need for detailed administration in their foggy, marsh-like region.

Incumbent Lord Powel has promised that the 2015 election will be a more spectacular affair, with polling stations moving from primary schools to more impressive locations such as golf clubs and opera houses with dress codes. He also plans to introduce a 'two names two votes' policy under which anyone with a double-barrelled surname may legally vote twice.

The logistics of the election would also change, with responsibility for the ballot passing to private firm Optimum Democracy (A subsidiary of shoreline paintball).

An Optimum spokesman explained: "Voters can buy the Premium Ballot Paper, which will list all the candidates, or stick with the Free and Easy option, which will only show the party that won the previous election."

The ballot will also be the greenest ever, with any unused votes being recycled and sold off to the highest bidder.

Dave 'Taz' Bradley to expand Heathrow Airport to cover entire South East

They drink this and they know it

98% of southerners are descendants of Gok Wan, with the remaining +2% of migrant workers pinning up their infrastructure.

In a move to kick start the economy, Heathrow Airport will be extended to cover everything between Ipswich and Portsmouth.

Toilets are in Plymouth, and will cost £4 to spend a penny. And £8 to release chocolate hostages (we don't negotiate with anal terrorists).

Under radical plans by Chancellor Ged Green, believed to have been inspired by the latest British Airways advert, planes will be allowed to land on any road, football pitch or sufficiently large garden in the South East. Planes are to be fitted with rotary knives to mow the lawns/faces of properties/owners that do not comply with this entirely legal asset grab.

All shops within this new region, named New Heathrow Mega-Port, will charge so-called 'airport prices', with the government pocketing the difference. A small coffee and a Danish pastry will cost around £13.50, while a full English breakfast will be equivalent to the average family's monthly income. That's a southern income by the way.

Ged Green said: The British people can earn money by playing to their natural strengths, such as queuing and being suspicious of foreigners. UK retail will get a boost from shoppers within the Mega-Port zone, who will be compelled to buy expensive sunglasses and biscuit items because of a possibly misguided belief that they are far cheaper than in the outside world. In some ways, this is like the current south as is, so I don't think we're actually disturbing the status quo that much. I mean £4.50 a pint? Get bent!

Mega-Port residents can make extra income while out walking their dogs, simply by letting them sniff strangers for drugs. Brighton will become the world's biggest branch of Tie Rack, to be staffed by the town's many unemployed arts graduates. And the village people.

Dave Bradley praised his Chancellor's decision, saying: I'm proud that Britain will have the world's only airport with castles and rivers. Can JFK or LaGuardia say that?.

Journalists responded by pointing out that No, airports cannot speak.

Mega-Port zone resident Lord Toff-Smith III is protesting against the changes, saying: Reservoirs within the Mega-Port will be drained to the maximum allowable airport limit of 100ml, causing huge droughts in my duck pond. Furthermore, the constant need for searches will make this a pervert's paradise.

That's not a complaint - just an observation, his butler added.

Even though I live in south an earn an absolute bucket of money and could easily retire now to the Bahamas, I am very opposed to these plans and will fight hard for Jamie Powel to stop these northern monkeys from spoiling our views of the completely mediocre southern countryside by covering it in landing lights!

THE REAL North Versus South