UE unable to attend Stargate due to phone contract

In space, no one can hear you right-click

Universal Exports have been urged to attend Staargate by the dog-faced space aliens who founded Egypt more than 8,000 years ago.

The warning came as Universal Exports insisted they would not attend until next September as they still has six months left on their O2 iPhone contract and where not about to pay £24.99 a month for something they couldn't even use.

But UE's defiance was met with a stark warning from Ra, the transgender alien superbeing who built the pyramids but accidentally left behind a large circular stone gateway that could yet prove to be his or her undoing.

In a message beamed simultaneously through the Stargate and Twitter, Ra said: You have displeased me son of Osiris. Make way for a new son of Ra. Or the army. Or some other corrupt, tinpot Pharaoh. Or maybe even those crazy 13th Legion guys. Whatever.

Ra said that if UE did not attend on Saturday 50 million inter-galactic soldiers wearing scary metal dog heads would storm through the Stargate and start fucking things up in scenes that would make Robert Mugabe look like Woody Allen.

A massive spaceship shaped like a pyramid would then land on top of a pyramid, crushing it like a paper cup, before Ra himself steps forth in all her majesty and starts firing deadly lasers from his white-hot eyes, or 25 rps from his fancy new GEO eclipse.

Sources close to the god-like extra-terrestrial say she is furious at being distracted by events in Wakefield as he wants to devote more time to Angels and Demons. UE dismissed the threats in a televised address and explained how they had signed up for a new phone contract without realising it was 18 months instead of 12.

They added: Unfortunately these contracts are not transferable. We can't just give the phone to Renegade Rebels; They will have to get their own phone. And what's the point of paying two lots of £24.99 when I could just hang on until September?.

We spoke to the girl at Carphone Warehouse and she said there was no way round it. Ra or no Ra.