Top 10 Rubbbish Paintball Teams

Lemmings Paintball

Universal Exports historic ASBO training has seen them edge into the top ten of Harlow rubbish paintball teams.

The talented scenario team beat the toughest out of half a billion paintballers in China after their trainer used visualisation techniques like 'imagining the number one seed had spilled their pint of lager' [Note: 'Lager' is used in the loosest sense of the word - Non southerners might call it a 'top'].

Universal Exports will now attempt to break into the Harlow top five with a bout against 'BMW drivers' and 'Dogs on stings', starting with the traditional month-long build-up of telling everybody the safe zone that they're going to get in the face next time we see them.

Universal Exports said: It's an honour to be spoken of in the same breath as BMW drivers and Dog on stings. Harlow paintball is amazing, it's really helped us to stay grounded - except of course when they're trying to mug me in a taxi queue.

Paintball expert 'Silent_BOB' said: If they want to be ranked alongside the greats, Universal Exports needs to work on clouting people with a marker technique, and they've still got a lot to learn about being dragged screaming into the back of a police van.

Universal Exports looked in good shape throughout the last paintball battle with 'A pint and a fight, the great British night' and even managed to floor their opponents after the second round of drinks, although points were deducted when they followed them into the safe zone and tried unsuccessfully to pull clumps of hair out with their gloves on! One team member suffered a minor injury to groin from a white stiletto heel, he said after the incident clearly a lezzer - she does not know what she missed before passing out.

We advise nobody take up this sport as woodsball leads you down a very dark path, next thing you know you'll be a scenario baller, then you'll end up buying a spyder that looks like an AK47, shortly you'll start talking about the last time you took 'point' and wear urban camo to work, and then finally you'll wake up in the middle of the night screaming as you suddenly realise, YOU SHOULD OF JUST JOINED THE ****ING ARMY IN THE FIRST PLACE.