Following a long absence from Malcolm Thrust Nunn due to medical complications from treatment resistant necrotising gonorrhea, Universal Exports have decided to extend a Conservative Party approved zero-hours contract to his comrade in STDs, Sore throat.

During the recruitment phase, several members of UE expressed concern that Sore Throat was simply Kristen Wiig keeping a low profile after a genuinely awful Ghostbusters remake. When Corky raised that during an interview, she leapt across the table and punched him forcefully in the throat. This show of completely unwarranted force quickly enamoured her to the UE committee, and she was offered the job on the spot.

UE's first task was to investigate the current trends within Paintball. UE have become out of touch. They barely turn up to events nowadays, and spend even more time than they used to in the safezone.

She returned with a factual report so incisive and cutting that we had to read it deep inside the Underground UE research facility. Read on, only if you're ready...

I initially started attending a few paintball events, taking in opinions and attempting to predict the interests and concerns of the community. However, the paintball community can be summed up by about three groups of people:

• An "elite/ruling class" of paintballers who have fewer leadership qualities than Teresa May after 15 pints. They have no idea what is going on, and I wouldn't trust them to organise a piss up in a brewery.
• A main body of intermediate paintballers; these are the main base of the community, and are essentially shaved monkeys with Geo3s.
• Normal punters, being horribly exploited and who fund the army dreams of the other two tiers.

As you can tell, this is a shocking group of people to predict the future. They have no foresight, brains, and limited physical condition. At a push, I'd only sleep with 97.8% of them.

When pressed, she quickly confirmed that this 2.2% consisted mainly of Universal Exports. And Gaz from Sneaky Snorkels.

I realised I'd need to look further abroad. I began research business trends, political movements as well as an extensive search of Pornhub, although I found most of it fairly vanilla. Eventually I came across a number of UN reports and business briefings on the coming issues for business. If you can even call paintball a business.

Which you can't.

My findings were that global warming will change the face of paintball. The details as follows:

Sorethroat's global warming report on the paintball scene.

Firstly, global temperatures will rise by many degrees. Trump, who is basically the living embodiment of a Universal Exports blog, has removed America from the Paris Accord climate change deal. Emissions will rise, and continue to rise at an exponential rate for at least the rest of his presidency.

There are some upsides of this. Londoners can finally live free of the tyranny of the threat of 3-5 nanometers of snow every year, or having to wear an unfashionable coat. Hipsters have been given a license to wear those fucking low cut tshirts and can continue to monocycle to work.

Southern transport systems, such as the Underground, will continue their trend of being overheated by several hundred degrees. However, with the added background effect it will now be easily possible to fashion and melt most metals on the bus and tube. Manufacturing and industry welcome this change, as furnace costs are extremely high. Once again Londoners will be rewarded with jobs for living in an environment that resembles the Catholic church's interpretation of hell a little more every day.

Until they drown under the incoming floods of melt water. Which they will. Horribly.

However, this climate change will not only affect the country. For example, the events will have to totally change:

• Tropic Thunder will have to be renamed Desert Storm, as the lush UK resembles North Africa more and more each day
• North Versus South will be reworked to be "Smug Hill people" Versus "The Soggy Ones"
• The already rainy Paintfest will just be formally renamed to "Waterworld"

Teams will also be affected badly.

• Limp Bravo will have to retrain as a subaquatic team, which may interrupt their extra curricular activity
• CEP will have to drastically change their team colours to orange and red due to their country being permanently on fire
• Scottish Warriors will be renamed "Smug Bastards on hills"

Further more, much of the tech that users have will simply not work. Masks will need to be fitted with oxygen for the aquatic teams. Tippmann A5's are likely to be the only marker reliable enough to work both underwater and in the extreme heat. This will cause a huge spike in demand, causing them to be the only company making markers left in paintball.

We approached Tippmann for comment on this report. Disappointingly a representative had no comment. He simply donned a "Make America Great Again" cap, set fire to a pile of tyres and began revving his Transit engine hard.