Alient Mutants

Alien Mutants

Malcolm Thrust Nunn reported some juicy facts in the previous blog. He promised a quick return, however his mobile phone network had been moved to Koryolink by Universal Exports and he now had no credit. After a few hours of confusion, a visit to Aldi, several snap-chat dick pics and an accidental forwarding of the Buckfast weekly email, he returned with this dictated report:

I decided I needed help. I contacted my clandestine Tech Support team, codename 'Smouldering Dragon'. By day they are your average bespectacled IT nerds, by any other time of day they are Games Workshop hating geeks with a passion for Conspiracy Theories.1

I rang them, leaving them with the facts I had established in the last blog. In return for their time I promised to do an article on how Games Workshop are killing table-top gaming. Apparently Games Workshop have been bought off by Sega Gaming Corporation with one aim... to run down its immense popular figure based war games, reducing the threat to the computer gaming. This would ensure the survival of the industry.

I was hesitant, as this is a topic so geeky that even paintballers eyes' would gloss over. However - I only write the facts as they present themselves. That report will follow soon.

In the meantime I needed to approach the problem from a different angle. Consider the following plot problems:

Why are Universal Exports the South faction leaders again? Everyone knows they won't win without a major recession. They are also embroiled in a number of Legal cases and are still smarting from the shocking loss at Equilibrium II and the failure to get kidnap more slave workers.

This added more unresolved issues to the mix... what are they up to? The thought came to me that they could intend to capture Northerners for their Monofail tunnel. However, my co-investigator Tyla Wynn pointed out that a being slave in an underground monorail tunnel is still better than working for Morrisons, which undermined my theory. Northerners would just accept the job, with no need for kidnap.

More logic was needed. It's a given that Southern players will always dominate when they have players on the field. However the South players leave early as shooting Northern Monkeys only has so much appeal.

According to Phil Jones, who identifies as southern employed person, It's time to leave when 2pm strikes, what with the kids' nanny having Sunday afternoons off, and the wife being away with her tennis coaches (who I'm assured are gay, and my wife is definitely not interested in anyways). Leaving early is vital to allow the required 27 seconds to show the nanny exactly why she is employed and deposit her salty bonus in her ass-shore account.

I couldn't bring my wife or kids to paintball. Christ. I'd have to talk to them, he added.

Your wife's tennis coaches

I decided that it was time to get some answers and to that end I arranged a clandestine meeting in the Five 'Harlow' Star restaurant Kung Fu Oriental Buffet. with my Universal Exports informant codename 'Sore Throat'.

During a meal of Authentic Chinese Onion Rings, followed by the Classic Far Eastern desert of Jelly, I left with some vital information that will affect the whole event.

  • Jelly should not bounce
  • Universal Exports have cracked Sneaky Snorkels' grunt code

Alan T-UE-ring

UE have a mole in Tamworth TNT IT centre who diverted all Gaz's emails to UEs secret intel HQ. This HQ is locked deep and secure in Ricktion's Weed plantation conservatory. Ricktion is based in Sheffield, and currently South Yorkshire Police are too busy covering up sex offenses in Rotherham and denying the Hillsborough Disaster to pay any attention. This lack of police resources and interference means that it is one of the most secure places on earth.

The Sneaky Snorkels Website/Facebook page also was announcing that they have commissioned a Tank Battalion to transport his Elite squads into battle during 'Rule Britannia'.

I knew I was on to something so I attempted to ring Gaz, but could get his his press officer. Between you and me, and the entire internet, the press officer is Tracy the receptionist. She has promised him a kiss and cuddle around the back of the used pallets if he wins this year following last year's victory feelup extravaganza!

And a gobjob if he promises to have a bath first.

I asked if the press-release concerning tanks was just propaganda. She told me to grow up and get a life, when I pointed out that I could get her a nude spread in the Socialist Work-Dodgers Gazette Political edition. After this suggestion she was much more forthcoming.

She said that as it looked like blatant propaganda, and that no one would believe it. She said to ignore the release. However, she did point out they have actually got permission from the MOD to use some old Challenger I battle tanks before they are decommissioned, however... things went awry.

Gaz plan was to assign his Elite teams to ride these tanks into battle, these include:

  • Ball Baggers
  • Postman Pat Black and White berserkers
  • Tuppy Ticklers
  • Trumpton Headhunters
  • We Weren't Soldiers
  • The Balamory Dragoons
  • The internationally feared Bagpuss-in-boots Warrington Ramblers

Gaz's plan was simple. As soon as the South achieve their usual Mid morning dominance, Gaz will order in a full 'Kelly's Heroes' Tank assault, driving the South from the field and ensuring their dismal defeat. This super-secret tactic has been widely shared on social media, and should ensure total surprise. Finally this will leave the paintball community leaving the whole world to rejoice at the destruction of UE's reputation once and for all.

I did not have the heart to point out that the only reputation UE have is that of a bunch of communist sycophantic salad dodging/eating (delete where applicable) life-failures. After she gave me her number, age and measurements and several spam-butterfly snap chat pics, I decided against informing her that UE would know all this; instead advising her to eat less pies before the photoshoot.

The obvious next question followed; What have UE done to prevent the Northern Tank Holocaust?

'Sore Throat' then provided me with the emails UE sent on Gav's behalf from a pseudo Tamworth TNT email address. Ricktion had been masterminding some real internet truth... and deception.

I read through the email transcripts and several phrases stood out, like a kick to the balls.

'Sodor' where the hell is that? I gasped Thomas... Fat Controller... Eh?.

I was confused

UE, in their unrelenting belief that literally nothing is sacred, have diverted the permission slip aimed for the tank battalion to the Thomas The Tank Engine's Fat Controller at Sodor.

The North's Tank Holocaust will now consist of Thomas the Tank Engine pulling Annie and Clarabel filled with hairy arsed northern paintballers. To ensure the Northerners feel at home, there will be no drinks trolly, and if any of them ask about WiFi, they will be fined and thrown off the train.

The North get trolled by Ricktion

The real kick in the pie-filled-guts for the Northern army is that Sodor is a fictional island existing only in Rev. W. Awdry's head, making this support and munitions supply unreliable at best, and most likely to be a replacement bus service.

While pondering my thoughts so far, I got an urgent text to ring 'Smouldering Dragon'. This seemed urgent, so I stopped watching Babestation and called her:

Hello

Smouldering Dragon?

Oh Michael thank god its you

Its Malcolm but nevermind?

Michael you have to stop them!

Woah slow down, stop who? and it's still Malcolm!

Universal Exports, the Queen, Best Korea!

What the hell has Best Korea got to do with this, well written, imaginative story, that may or may not be actually factual?

The Best Koreans have made a deal with the Queen via their puppet Elite Forces Organisation Universal Exports'

Now I know you have been sniffing too much Citadel paint.

Michael! Just shut up you fictional waste of pixels

Well that was unnecessarily rude I thought but I let the 'Michael' thing ride this time.

All those dead celebrities were murdered!

Murdered?

Yeah... Oh god, its real! The Queen is in fact a mutant Royalist Alien hybrid that feeds off the life force of others.

Oh come on, if that were true we would know by now, she is 90 for god's sake and she doesn't look a day over .. 70 .. oh god!

She has always needed to syphon the life force of others to survive, more specifically she needs the life force of those that have a vastly inflated opinion of themselves, Churchill, Mountbatten, The Chuckle Brothers, Diana, but as she has got older she needs more ... much more.

I drowned in a deluge of pennies as I realised what UE intended to do... By Admiral Ackbars balls, Universal Exports are going to sacrifice the entire Northern Army to the Queen!

Michael? Michael are you still there?

ITS FUCKING MALCOLM YOU FUCKING SHORELINE SUCKLING NONCE!

OK sorry Michael, but you haven't heard the worst yet

The worst! What can be worse that that?

If the Queen is able to absorb that much self inflated ego our Starcraft simulations project that the EINNBBSEH will be breached.

The what ?

The Ego Imperical Neo Nazi Bunga Bunga Solihull Event Horizon will be breached with catastrophic consequences

Those consequences being?

The Queen will become the God Empress of a new Terran interstellar Empire leaving Kim Jong-un to be in charge of the Planet

God I need my medication I mumbled

Don't you understand, this means the planet Earth becomes planet BEST KOREA!

I put the phone down, now realising that the future of the planet is in the hands of Universal Exports. After crying like a girl for 23 minutes I manned up and downloaded Angel Dark's back door catalogue and locked the door.

I'm Malcolm 'Thrust' Nunn and that's why I drink.

  1. A bunch of slack arsed Forum badgering Keyboard warriors moaning about how Games Workshop are screwing everyone over for quick profits while conveniently forgetting that without them there would be virtually no tabletop gaming scene and that they produce some of the best and modifiable models on the market. Or at least that what 'a friend' tells me.

Sore throat : Officially Mental