UE unleash another of their intellectually respected blogs only 210 days behind schedule! Still, at least we beat Half Life 3.
This instalment is another release from intrepid investigative journalist Malcolm 'Thrust' Nunn that had been lost in the sands of time, but now has been found. As before, he gives you the news that no one else cares about, least of all you!
Caution, the following report contains facts so factual that reading it with the naked eye is discouraged. Please also ensure you are wearing aviators (like out of Top Gun), and are definitely not having homosexual thoughts (like you have during Top Gun).
Here follows the report:
With Corky's stark warning foremost in my thoughts1, and following my discovery that those habitual Life Failures and North Best Korean 'not so secret agents' were prominent in the South factions command and control I found myself at the not at all divisive paintball event North v South. The second largest paintball game in Europe held at the MoD's secret Super Soldier Bio engineering base at Cold Meece2.
Somehow Universal Exports are involved in the operation to get Lenny Henry back down to Earth. It transpires that during a previous attempt to win a scenario game at North V South UE in collaboration with the North Best Korean space Agency sponsored by Premier Inn launched a satellite! Resulting in the 3 of a kind red nosed brummie has-been and debatably never was comedian Lenny Henry. This satellite has now been stranded in orbit for 2 years.
Premier Inn have now successfully launched the rescue vehicle the Starship Premier Inn-terprise (now the 'Kim Jong-un I') and are now preparing for its return to Earth.
So this dare devil go getter hard nosed reported decided enough was enough; You deserve to know the truth! So, off I went to North vs South and their totally innocently named scenario 'Virus'. Also my mum was hosting the Ugley Women's Institute's annual Calendar shoot, so I had to be out of the house after last year's unfortunate GGILF scandal.
Upon finding the UE HQ I have to admit I was impressed at their comms setup. Satellite dishes and high tech radio equipment were greatly in evidence. This seemed a little over the top for a paintball game. I pointed this out as my first question to Internet Truth Seeker and head of Colonial Koreans Repatriation, Ricktion, at yet another UE press conference. This one was held at the LiPS trade stand as it was raining and no one was buying shit.
In words will the truth be revealed he replied.
What the fuck does that mean?, asked Katie Hopkins working for the Daily Mail's new sister paper – The
Bigoted Liar 3.
All will be revealed as his Majesty's the Emperors wrath will be unleashed clarified Rocket, head of
Who?, asked Ann Widdecombe for the surprisingly popular 'Political Pornstar Monthly'4.
Damn you imperialist mafia spawn of Hamsters, we are talking of this Majesty Kim Jong-Un the true ruler of
Mankind who will usher the world into a new and glorious future starting today!
Well that silenced all three of the press corps... Well, obviously not Katie, but we had all learned to tune out that opinionated bitch.
Hammertime ended the conference with the cryptic
Look to the skies and you will see your salvation or
your doom. All shall be judged!
Well... that coupled with earlier warning made this all sound like the prequel script to Mad Max: Fury Road. I decided to play the game and set about renting a set of overalls 8 sizes too big and a Tippman 98 of North Best Korean manufacture.
I soon realised I was totally out of my depth. I thought paintball was just a game, but it hurt and when I
took cover I was accused of
cowering like a girl by Crunch, a smiley headbanded UE deathsquad member
as he followed UE's newest recruit the Fembo. She was a blonde and bruised whirlwind of pain. She lead me
with little regard for human suffering, only giggling as she got shot out and forced me back into the breach
again and again. And again. And again.
Sick of having to check my balls to confirm I was still a man, I decided to get to the real reason story. I needed to find out why UE were here at all. I located Hammertime at the mysterious 'Field Lab' where he had a Scientist. I overheard him talking to some Dutch elite Life dodgers that they were now only awaiting the arrival of 'The Package'!
I was pretending to guard a wooden post that was supposedly a Hospital. As i did, I heard a roar of engines overhead. Looking up I saw what could only have been CGI'd directly onto my only mildly drunk retinas. It was a Tippmann Sponsored Satellite landing next to the lab.
After debating whether to soil myself further, I did a quick organ stock-check, discovered some spine and decided to investigate.
Hearing guttural muttering in what was a curious mix of Welsh and Dutch, out of the smoking Satellite stepped .. I-kid-you-not Lenny fucking Henry!
Sir Leonard of Henry welcome back to Earth Hammertime greeted him with a deep bow.
Do you have the
package?, he continued.
Lenny handed him a clear tube of Peppermint WKD5, which was promptly given to the Scientist and taken into the lab. Over his radio, and to what must have been the rest of the UE Hierarchy, Hammertime reported that the Virus was in the lab and nearly ready for release.
What followed was a cunning plan on the part of UE. Having removed most of the South's players from the battlefield, the remaining players from UE, Limp Bravo and the Basque wearing CEP fell back to the ominously named 'Quest Lab' where the Virus was primed, followed by the entire Nothern howling monkey hoard faction.
They then abandoned the Lab melting away into the woods leaving the Monkeys to celebrate capturing this critical objective. It was then as a 'dead' player I noticed a light green fog starting to emanate from the lab. The monkeys must have assumed it was from the smoke grenades UE used to cover their escape as they did not seem to worry about it.
I felt my face and body start to tingle as if I had experienced multiple mass impacts at high velocity from approximately .68 inch calibre balls. Oh god what had they done! What had they released on the unsuspecting jobless benefit spongers?
With my mind racing as to what this virus did, I hurried after Hammertime, Lenny Henry and the scientist.
I found them in heated discussion deep in the woods as they hid from Monkey patrols. After a long debate in Welsh, Dutch and Brummie, Hammertime sent the following Report over the radio.
Operation Virus is NoGo, I repeat operation Virus is a NoGo.
The wrong virus was returned, the Ebola Population Cleansing agent we expected was not delivered
Shit! ... So what was delivered?
A vial of Space Mumps
Space Mumps! Fucking Space Mumps!
That's a Rog, the Scientist placed it in the Lab and it was released as the Pie munching Salad dodgers
were celebrating its capture as planned.
Roger that. Well at least no one will notice they are all ugly fuckers anyway.
Here was the story I was looking for! The South tried to virus bomb the midlands; All I could think of was Boris, Jenna, and the staples In the latest 'Political Pornstar Monthly'4,as - lets face it, when it comes down to it who cares!
The truth is out there. The world needs to know that the South hates the North and opresses it brutally! This scandal is worse that Soylent Green and V for Vendetta, mixed with paintball and North Korea and Lenny Henry.
This is the Soy-jong-detta-ry Gate.
However, while pricking about with my UE specialist radio, I did accidentally hack into the communal channel for orbital communications. This non political group that ensures people know when launches and satelites are sent (so they're not confused with missile launches etc).
Apparently NASA have just launched a top secret and first of a kind 'Flapjack' satellite. This will orbit the earth searching for high yield Flapjack deposits within the earth's crust. A spokesman said 'We heard that it could solve World hunger and that's not a bad thing'.
Currently, my conscius is starting to fade, and I feel flushed. This is Malcolm 'Thrust' Nunn signing off ... wondering if a case of Space mumps would stop me pulling in Harlow6.
- Well that's not strictly true, my thoughts were mostly filled with Miss Jameson's sexy snarl and the still tingling feel of her 'Dockers' slap of my face when I suggested we did some intense and physically invasive under cover investigative journalism.
- Named after WWII experiments conducted at this hyper secret MoD Establishment where dead mice were reanimated in an attempt to create an Allied Zombie army. It was canned when it was realised that no one liked Allied Zombies as they are nowhere near as cool as Nazi Zombies
- Which was released in a blaze of publicity and taglines featuring:
you cant make this shit up... oh wait we just did,
why don't you all just dieand
that Hitler guy had some good ideas
- Featured centrefold for the May edition was Jenna Haze and Boris Johnson. One point to note was in the Readers wives column featured Justin and the BIV from UE's 'Pull my finger tour'
- surprisingly Peppermint WKD did not sell well due to the side effect of not being able to feel your mouth anymore resulting in most of the alcohol being spilt rather than consumed – so no different to any other UE night out
- Despite demand that there be a reference to the recent Royal Birth in this article, I have resisted its inclusion as it is not relevant to this deeply disturbing attempt at Midland domination. So there nerr!