Corky, UE's resident conspiracy theory expert, was summoned from his dank tissue-filled cellar to investigate recent allegations: allegations that other allegations were alleged to have been made about certain aspects of Paintball on the Internet. With a concept too meta for most normal humans to even conceptualise, UE can be trusted to cut directly to the factual facts around this non-event that has enraged the worlds one-handed keyboarded warriors so much!
Corky's background is one of mystery and magic. His formal title is FACTIST, a title he was given in a recent trip to Rochdale Multi Story Car park. After injecting £35 of crystal meth directly into his own balls, he was gifted the ability to become uniquely and personally aware of every single atom in the entire universe for a short period of time. Time melted to become a dot, but in some metaphysical way, a dot stretching for eternity. He saw everything that was happening and everything that was going to happen.
He saw governments having covert discussions in smoky rooms, he saw star crossed lovers tenderly kiss in the rain, he saw corporations building sinister plans within plans... he saw the arrangements of the cosmos and its underlying laws and relationships scattered about his eyes like poetry raining light into the shadows of his mind.
Unfortunately Corky had forgotten to bring a pen and paper so he couldn't write any of the things he discovered down.
Universal Exports have, in an attempt to stop fucking morons posting bollocks about what amounts to a part time hobby for people going through a midlife crisis, agreed to lend him another £35 worth of ball-meth and have sent him to investigate what is going on. UE will share these TRUE FACTS made of pure FACTUALITY with the world, using their UE-ki-leaks to deliver the truth about truth.
Here are his ball-meth induced results:
- Shoreline faked the moon landings, but not in the way you think. The Democratic Republic of BEST KOREA have been landing on the Moon for some 300 years now, which is impressive considering the country was formally founded in 1948. Shoreline facilitated American rockets through BEST KOREA's intergalactic space, stopping off for some light banter with recovered Lenny Henry.
- Shoreline pay no tax ever (for legal reasons this is caveated by the word 'allegedly').
- Shoreline finds your lack of faith disturbing.
- Following the end of the cold war, Shoreline were contracted to assist in the cover up of several
socio/economically vital items, including:
- Causing Global warming to increase Scarf revenue for child exploitation gurus Primark.
- Creating genetically engineered abominations involving splicing horses and cows (which accidentally were introduced to the food chain causing a fake horsemeat controversy – if only they knew the truth!). Shoreline also implicated in the abduction of Shergar.
- Introducing the current trend of girls wearing trousers and skirts far too high, making them look like a bunch of shit Mr Bean lookalikes no matter how fit they are. This was in order to replace common men with hipsters to emasculate humanity ready for the incoming waves of Chinese genocide coming. Ironically this work was sanctioned by Bob Geldoff.
And finally, after two hours of staring directly at his own blood soaked meth-balls, Corky saw the truth:
Under command of Cosmopolitan Magazine, Shoreline has hidden Sennybridge and changed the venue just for the LULZ.
Corky and his internet truth-seeker friends have proof that Cosmopolitan magazine have been working on a project to make Sennybridge, the site of TCUK, invisible. Shoreline are using techniques developed from the 'Philadelphia project' (previously called Project Tofu The experiment was allegedly based on an aspect of the Unified Field Theory, a branch of research pioneered by Albert Einstein. The Unified Field Theory aims to describe mathematically and physically the interrelated nature of the forces that comprise electro-magnetic radiation and gravity, in other words uniting the fields of electromagnetism and gravity into one field. A field in Sennybridge.
This is why you often hear people talking about the Sennybridge-Time Continuum. If light were bent, then space-time would be bent, effectively creating an invisible time machine. A time machine inside of which paintball cannot take place at any point!
The conspiracy is a radical operation by Cosmopolitan magazine to infuriate paintballing keyboard warriors to the point of mental breakdown. Many will simply be inconsolable and slip into a coma of being a prize tool, while others resort to self harm or domestic abuse. Whatever happens, Cosmopolitan's plans clearly state: these are all perfectly documentable and valid reasons to file for divorce, liberating females across society.
The shackles of being married/affiliated to a really boring angry fat bloke will be broken for women across this nation. Women can drop their social shackles and escape.
There was more to this plot, but Corky then had the flashing realisation that HE HIMSELF was an agent under cover. However he was no normal agent: he was undercover. In fact – Corky was so insanely deep undercover, that he was undercover FROM HIMSELF. He actually didn't know that he was an agent. And the fact that he knew this made him a target: a target to himself.
At this point, Corky woke up on the 7th floor of Rochdale Multi story car park with a syringe hanging out of his balls. He quickly filed the above report, noticing that while on his magical journey he had fallen asleep in a skip and a dog had pissed up his leg.