Universal Exports finds cure for anxiety baldness

Man up

UE department of engineering made the discovery last weekend whilst on a night out in Barnsley. In simple terms if you do not give a shit, you will be OK. The cure will hit pharmacies within two years. UE have found a direct link between worrying about hair loss and being unmanly.

Hair loss-related anxiety can be cured by growing a pair of balls and getting on with it, it has emerged.

It's remarkably easy for hair loss stop to affect day tasks for a paintballer, for example – painting your Games Workshop Eldar Army, Signing divorce papers or moving back in with your parents.

Professor Noel Sharkey said: There are all kinds of terrible medical complaints that kill you, having some follicles fall out isn't one of them.

When men approach me with this complaint, I am contractually obliged to listen to them, though in reality I just imagine a point behind their head and zone out into the middle distance until their pathetic mouths have stopped flapping

Old Mrs Johnson got hit by bomb shrapnel in WW2, and she barely complains when I see her... and her hips are over 48% titanium and PTFE. She brings me Worther's every time she pops in. Every time I see her I want to kick the face off those whinging slapheads.

I got reprimanded for suggesting that someone stopped whining like a baby animal and start acting like a penis owner.

Fuck this job.

Bald men who are just fine include Bruce Willis and Sean Connery, both of whom have managed to hold down jobs and have some sex. Some of it was consensual.