Scenario Paintball to be renamed "People With Really Awful Home Lives"

Marital bliss

Universal Exports has also been renamed to reflect its target demographic. From the 4th of March, the team will be known as: "Still better than drinks with your work colleagues, even the fit one. Why are the fit ones always a bit rapey with their morals. I just dont care. I already support equal rights so stop talking about it. I'm not a manager, I don't set your pay! Please. Do you like movies. Let's watch one? No. Ok.", or SBTDWYWCETFOWATFOAaBRWTMIJDCIASERSSTAIBINMaMIDSYPDYLMLWONOk for short.

It is estimated they will have the longest web address ever.

UE secretary Phil McCracken believes the new name highlights the single compelling reason a person might decide to spend their weekends getting shot at.

We desperately need more paintballers, and our best bet is unhappily married men who aren't into golf or fishing.

They are used to taking orders, operating in highly stressful situations and have a great deal of pent-up aggression, he added.

A new poster campaign promoting People With Really Awful Home Lives asks, Why visit the in-laws, when you could eat tinned gammon in a ditch while things explode around you?

Plumber Roy Hobbs said: Everything about being going paintballing seemed awful to me, never mind doing it on a regular basis. However my wife has just announced that her recently divorced sister is coming over for a weekend-long Jude Law DVD marathon at which I will be the unofficial butler. Suddenly being dropped into a cave complex full of heavily armed psychopaths with SBTDWYWCETFOWATFOAaBRWTMIJDCIASERSSTAIBINMaMIDSYPDYLMLWONOk is quite appealing.

"Fuck this. I'm off for a walk. I may be some time."

Marital bliss