Doherty's Ghost Smack Track Facts!

Smackhead

Pete Doherty is living with the ghost of Amy Winehouse inside Drakelow tunnels after failing to join Universal Exports.

Brown appreciator Doherty, 32, took-up residence 6 months ago with all his worldly goods after he failed the entrance exam for Universal Exports. He was so distraught that he decided to become a hermit and never go out in public again. UE later announced that they did it on purpose just to get him off the streets - a sort of public service if you will.

Big H lover Doherty, 32, believes he shares the tunnels with a nine-foot meerkat, a talking sofa as well as the ghost of Amy Winehouse, it emerged last night. Scag fan Doherty, 32, first became aware of Winehouse's ghostly presence in the tunnels earlier in the week, when she appeared in a mirror propped up on unsold volumes of his poetry. However it took Doherty several days to notice the spectral Rehab singer, as she was competing for attention with his many everyday apparitions. Also, years of the brown have left him effectively translucent, and easy to miss.

Mexican Horse lover Doherty, 32, said: It was a typical quiet Wednesday afternoon, I was trying to paint a picture of Keith Richards using a mixture of my blood, vomit and cigarette ash.

Amy was standing between a creature with a woodlouse's body and the head of Adrian Chiles, and Marcel, a giant talking spoon. So it was quite a crowd, but when I eventually spotted her there I was stunned.

At first I didn't believe my eyes, so I asked Mr Baxendale the talking Meerkat, and he definitely saw her too. As did Roger, the sofa. All three of us just sat there, staring into space in a terrified way.

Chocolate Rock lover Doherty, 32, added: There was also a dreadful smell, but that turned out to be a prawn korma that I'd left on the radiator three months ago.

Paranormal investigator Emma Bradford said: This is absolutely indisputable proof of the existence of ghosts. The owners of drakelow have called upon the paintball psychics to purge the tunnels of all the ghosts and are going to use the new squatter laws to kill Doherty, however it was pointed out that there is a long judicial process to go through that will make Dale Farm look like a weekend folk festival!